Squadron Member Almost Earns Lifesaving Award

by Smedley Butler

Recently, 1st Lt Joel Glick, a Senior Member with Ohio Wing’s Starfire Composite Squadron, responded quickly to a life-threatening emergency, and nearly earned the Lifesaving Award.

Glick was attending a city council meeting to represent the squadron, which was petitioning for a zoning variance to allow excessive noise for hazing purposes. During the meeting Tony Handley, the town mayor, suffered a massive heart attack.

“It was right during a debate about denying a permit for a 5G cell tower in the city limits, because of the increased risk of Coronovirus,” Glick recalled. “There was a lot of arguing. Suddenly, Tony stood up, turned purple, pitched forward onto the council table. It was just like a Will Ferrell movie, so I laughed.”

Glick, a fit 25 year old former Cadet who is a Marine Corps Reserve infantryman, quickly realized that his normal Marine Corps reaction to the suffering of others was inappropriate.

“He was just sort of laying there, and everybody is looking at him in shock. Then they’re looking at me, because I’m laughing so hard. So I stopped laughing and then, I don’t know what happened. My combat aid training took over and the next thing I knew, there I was shoving tampons up his ass.”

Despite Glick’s valiant and exhaustive efforts, Handley was pronounced dead on the scene a short time later.

Witnesses praised Glick’s efforts, despite Handley’s death.

“That young man is almost a hero!” claimed Eloise Loughton. “He tried everything he could think of to save Tony’s life! Although the paramedics did say he maybe shouldn’t have put the tourniquet around Tony’s neck.”

“Yeah, I guess maybe I shouldn’t have done that,” Glick admits. “But jamming the NPT in his nose didn’t help, and I kind of got desperate. I was out of ideas, so it was use the CAT or dump a pouch of QuickClot down his throat. I’m sorry the CAT didn’t work, but like Chesty said, ‘A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.’ Yut.”

Initially, Glick was in serious consideration for a Lifesaving Award.

“I had the award written up and ready to go,” says Lt Col Mike Willoughby, Glick’s Group Commander. “But when I heard that the victim died? I thought about it, but in the end I just couldn’t. I mean, part of the requirements for a Lifesaving Award are actually saving a life. There’s just no getting around that.”

“That is some [expletive],” Glick stated. “I am not a medical doctor, I am merely a Marine. But I made the effort, y’know? Look, if he had a sucking chest wound he’d be walking out of here. But a heart attack? The [expletive] do I know? Marines don’t have heart attacks. It’s not my fault that guy sucked at life.”

As of this report, Glick’s Lifesaving Award has been downgraded to a coin and a hearty handshake.