NHQ Announces Adequate Service Award

by Tom Highway

“This is an award whose time has come!” crowed Capt Taylor Wilson, a long-time, completely forgettable, Senior member. “Finally, some recognition for those of us who just show up!”

Lt Col Ryan Mays-Smith, National Headquarters’ Director of Millenial Affairs, explains the thinking behind the new award.

“The simple fact is that everyone wants a little bling, but hardly anybody does anything that merits bling. Really, it’s a generational thing. The Boomers were so self-satisfied that they didn’t need it, and Gen-Xers are used to being ignored. But we Millennials, who make up a good percentage of Seniors and are now starting to take command of squadrons, still need a little reassurance that their efforts are noticed.”

“Gen Z?” Mays-Smith says with a shrug. “Well, a lot of them are still Cadets, but speaking as a Millenial, I can tell you that nobody cares about what they think, either. Whiny little shits.”

“I guess it’s okay,” shrugged Herb Grossman, a 60-something squadron commander. “My admin officer slapped down a stack of award recommendations for me to sign, and I’m looking at these names and going ‘Captain Who?’ Seriously, I couldn’t pick these guys out of a lineup.”

“I show up every week, and for most activities,” said 1st Lt Ashley Coombs. “I’m totally there, and when someone notices, I’m happy to put down my iPhone and do whatever they ask. I participate, and I do it as actively as needed. That’s worth a piece of paper and a five-dollar medal. It’s not like they’re paying for it.”

Later that evening, Lt Col Grossman assembles his unit and calls Capt Wilson and Lt Coombs to the front of the formation. The entire unit stands at stiff attention as Cpt Graydon Mann, the squadron Personnel Officer, begins to read from the citations in an unassuming tone:

“In recognition of your tolerable performance, the National Commander of the Civil Air Patrol presents to you…”