Hello, world! (Of course it’s us.)

By Fiorello LaGuardia

Well, I didn’t want to do it. I really didn’t want to do it. But that loser Highway would not be denied. Every few weeks he’d drunk call me asking if he’d ‘provided a nurturing environment’ that ‘enabled me to grow as a person’. Then he’d cry. It was pathetic. But it was when he threatened to come over to talk to me in person that I gave in. The last time Highway visited, by the time he’d cleared my AO all the liquor was gone, the toilet wasn’t flushed, and the cat was pregnant.

I gave in to the inevitable, and AuxNewsNow is rising from the grave.

I’ll admit it, since AuxNewsNow folded, I’d worked harder to forget this tragedy than Gus Grissom did to forget the Liberty Bell 7. But faced with a cold restart, I took a look at our previous output and, damn if we didn’t do some great work! It turns out that ANN was my best idea since a certain other three letter acronym. I decided then that if I was in for a penny, I was in for the whole calzone. We needed to do this right, and again achieve the loftiest journalistic heights. But I also realized that the only way we’d get there was to put the band back together. I had Highway, or he had me, but I needed the others.

It turned out not to be hard. I found that old lech Spaatz chatting up matrons at a nursing home. He’d dropped the “I won World War II” pickup line and had moved to the more timely “You need a COVID test, baby?” Owens was doing speeches for Donald Trump, and, bless his heart, actually thought he was a legitimate writer. Smedley was living under an overpass, and his entire wardrobe consisted of shower shoes, LBE, and a light coat of CLP… and TWO MEDALS OF HONOR! It only took giving each of these guys a shoebox filled with a bottle of booze, a carton of smokes, and a bus ticket, and they were back on the team.

With everyone together, there was nothing to do besides press the old ‘ignition’ switch and hope it belched smoke and turned over. I shouldn’t have worried. We’re still sharp, sarcastic, and angry, and I’m as proud as ever (which is to say, mildly ashamed) to helm this zeppelin of the Fourth Estate. We’re heading straight to NAS Lakehurst, and I can’t help but think that we’ve got a grand future ahead of us.

Or is that the booze talking?