State Welcomes New ‘Wing King’
by ANN Staff
In a recent ceremony with much literal fanfare, the state’s Civil Air Patrol headquarters welcomed a new ‘Wing King’, a commonly-used nickname for the Wing Commander. Incoming commander Col Robert Lewis took charge of the wing from the outgoing commander, Col Fred Hinkley. The tenor of Lewis’s command quickly became evident when he lunged forward at the very start of the ceremony, knocking aside the Wing Command Chief Master Sergeant, and snatched the guidon out of the hands of the guidon bearer. Then, holding the guidon aloft with one hand, he shouted “FOR THE COMMONWEALTH!”, and with the other hand placed a large, ornate crown on his own head.
On this prearranged signal, two cadets attending the ceremony sprang into action, one pressing ‘play’ on a boombox, which unleashed a peal of trumpets. The other dumped a number of pigeons from a cardboard box, which proceeded to flap randomly around the room, scattering the attendees.
Despite this auspicious start, some of King Lewis’s actions since assuming command have staffers and wing personnel scratching their heads.
“He keeps calling the Wing staff his ‘court’, and he has the Wing Command Chief announce him when he enters a room,” reported one long-time Senior member. “He won’t even listen to you unless you speak in an English accent.”
“I’m just trying to do my job, but I can’t even right now. He’s replaced all the computers with stupid goose-quills and pots of ink, and he charged me with rewriting the 39-1 to include capes and powdered wigs,” says the Court Scrivener, Sir Charlemagne de Mer, formerly Wing Administrative Officer Capt Charlie Sands. Sands has his hands full under the his new liege lord.
“Look at this!” he says, snatching a large sheet of vellum from the top of a stack of similar documents. “All of the wing’s published orders begin with ‘hear ye, hear ye’. And here’s a decree ordering all official publications to replace every lowercase ‘s’ with ‘f’. I mean, who can understand this shit? What the hell is ‘fearch and refcue’? And is this word ‘aircraft’ or ‘aircrast’? I’m so confused.”
Just then a page enters bearing a wax-sealed scroll on a small pillow and presents it to Sands. “Well, just got another one,” Sands says, breaking the wax. After a quick glance, he continues, “Never mind on that last thing. They’re now called ‘aeromobiles’ instead.”
At the monthly Gathering of the Bannermen, the local units attend an audience to petition the King for boons. The unit commanders stand as a group of burly Honor Guard cadets, wearing ceremonial blue pantaloons with a silver stripe, carry the King into the audience chamber on a palanquin.
“We recognize the Duke of East Bowmanville,” the King Lewis intones.
“Sir, I’m the commander of Group Four, Major Wyatt Fox.”
“You may speak, Sir Wyatt. What is your petition?”
“Sir, we’re just trying to get some o-rides for our Cadets…”
“Sir Wyatt, your line has always been loyal to us. We have nothing but respect and appreciation for you and your kin. We shall add you to our Schedule of Flights. Speak to the Air Minister.”
Not all are unhappy with the Wing’s new direction. Cadet Lt Col Helen Poole reports that King Lewis has been making good use of the Wing Cadet Advisory Council.
“He comes to us a lot more often than the previous commander,” she says. “He asked us to provide him with an Earhart cadet to cut and taste his food, and to wipe the corners of his mouth at the wing banquet. We also appointed an Airman to rest his feet on when he’s in his office. It’s really great to be part of the team!”
Poole says the Wing CAC also found a cadet who attended Oshkosh to serve as the King’s jester. “He has to caper all the time,” she says. “But he gets to wear his beret!”
The new Wing Jester is Cadet MSgt Greg Albans. “I can put up with the dancing,” Cadet Albans says. “But they made me sew a bell onto my beret, and that feels a little disrespectful.”
Wing Historian 1Lt Kim Ridge was initially enthusiastic about the changes, but is now having second thoughts. “I mean, I get it, and I’m on board. But sometimes King Lewis seems a little, I don’t know, ‘out there’,” Kim says. “Like, powdered wigs are clearly Georgian, but the quill pens are Elizabethan at best!”
