Senior Member Takes Over Central American Country.

by ANN Staff

Republic of Costaguana — Lt Col Mike Biely, a Senior Member of Civil Air Patrol, recently embarked on what he expected to be a low-stress tropical vacation and instead returned as the de facto ruler of a small, politically unstable nation.

“I just wanted to take a vacation in a place where an older American and the almighty dollar are still treated with the appropriate respect,” Biely explained from the steps of the presidential palace, now draped in Civil Air Patrol recruiting banners. “I never expected it to go quite this far.”

According to reports, Biely had neglected to unpack his suitcase after attending his Wing Conference two weeks prior. As he was checking into his hotel, a bellhop noticed his CAP dress blues jacket hanging in the closet, festooned with a commendable—if confusing—array of ribbons and medals.

“One of the hotel staff saw my jacket and just froze,” Biely said. “Next thing I know, there’s a convoy outside and I’m being sworn in as Generalissimo Supremo.”

The locals wasted no time embracing their new leader.

“Well, he had all those ribbons—doesn’t really matter what they were for. Paper airplane competitions, hydration support, emergency whistle distribution—it’s the aesthetic that counts,” said revolutionary spokesman Raymond Obierto through a translator. “He fit the profile. Our last generalissimo was also kind of… midsectionally influential.”

“Don’t forget the beard!” another member of the junta shouted. “It was luxurious. People obeyed it instinctively. Like it had its own chain of command.”

“And the attitude,” added Obierto. “He had that unmistakable ‘I’m a colonel, you peasant’ energy that we really prize in our heads of state.”

Military analysts point out that Costaguana has struggled in the past with authoritarian tendencies among its leadership—most notably in 2017 when a retired Zumba instructor declared martial law after receiving a ceremonial sash during a community fundraiser.

Immediate Reforms

Generalissimo Biely wasted no time implementing his vision for the nation. Within hours, he had signed an executive order banning Jane Fonda.

“She should’ve been arrested in 1972,” Biely growled during a nationally televised address, delivered from the balcony of the now-renamed “Hawk One” Executive Mansion. “She’s, frankly, kind of smug. We’re just not putting up with that sort of un-American behavior in this country anymore.”

He also ordered a daily flag ceremony, mandatory blues uniform inspections for cabinet members, and the immediate repainting of all government vehicles in CAP grey-and-white. “It looks official,” Biely said. “Also, we had a lot of leftover Krylon from some cadet project.”

Military Readiness: Sort of?

Asked about the state of his new country’s armed forces, Biely was candid.

“I don’t have much of an Air Force,” he admitted. “I think I saw an Antonov AN-2 out on the ramp, but I’m pretty sure it’s been used as a chicken coop for the last ten years. There are a couple of Mi-8 helicopters in one hangar—smelled like diesel and goats in there.”

“That said, we’ve got a few old King Airs left from the 80s, back when there were a lot of flights coming and going for… reasons no one seems willing to talk about.”

Next Steps

Biely says he plans to implement the CAP Cadet Program nationally by next month and has already promoted three hotel valets to Cadet Second Lieutenants.

“They’re excited,” Biely said. “They think they’re training to fly jets. Joke’s on them—we’re starting with character development and drill.”

When questioned about the length of his reign, Biely replied, “Well, my Medicare Part B only covers domestic coups, so probably not long.”