AUXBEACON.ORG Under New Management

by ANN Staff

Internet — In a stunning development that has CAP members nationwide reaching for celebratory sparkling cider and cautiously optimistic “Reply All” emails, the infamous smear-blog-slash-fever-dream that was AuxBeacon.org has finally, mercifully, gone dark.

After more than two decades of posting erratic, often libelous, and always poorly formatted tirades against the Civil Air Patrol, the site has been assumed by “do-gooder aviation enthusiast” who appears to believe in things like evidence, grammar, and not accusing everyone in a leadership position of murder. The previous site operators, a shadowy cabal of ex-members whose departures from CAP were described by insiders as “inevitable and deeply mutual,” have apparently run out of steam, money, anger, or possibly oxygen.

“We’re not sure what happened to them,” said one source who requested anonymity. “But after years of publishing stories like ‘Spaatz Association Director Killed by Mind-Controlled Parrot’ and ‘Region Commander Caught Selling Organs on eBay’, I guess they just finally… ran out of synonyms for ‘corruption.’ Or tinfoil.”

A Bizarre Legacy

AuxBeacon gained infamy over the years for publishing a combination of actual CAP news stories, distorted beyond recognition, and outright fabrications seemingly generated by shaking a Magic 8 Ball full of libel. Fan favorites included:

• “CAP Pennsylvania Wing Commander Molests 4 Cadets in One Night (While Also Flying a Sortie)”
• “Spaatz Association Director Murdered by Gay Lover in Illuminati-Inspired Ceremony”
• “CAP Chaplain Accused of Telepathic Infiltration of Wing Staff Meetings”

“I once read a story on there claiming that our Safety Officer was a Russian asset and also a lizard,” said Capt. Ron Fields of New Jersey Wing. “They even had a picture of him next to a gecko. It was compelling… until you noticed the car insurance documents in the gecko’s hand.”

A New Era of Boredom Begins

The site has reportedly been taken over by a former Cadet-turned-Senior Member who, disturbingly, believes in transparency, accountability, and not calling everyone they disagree with a child molestor or Deep State asset. Their first article, “CAP Budget Committee Releases Meeting Minutes (No One Arrested)”, received a record low of 2 views and a shrug emoji in the comments.

“We’re excited to use this platform to tell real stories about leadership, mentorship, and Civil Air Patrol’s missions,” said new site editor Jason Harmon, 25, who wore both a Spaatz award and a smile that suggested he still calls his mom on Sundays. “Also, we’ve turned off the anonymous tip box, since it was mostly just weird poems about aircraft inspections written in all caps.”

A Lone Voice of Dissent

Not everyone is thrilled about the site’s transformation.

“This is an outrage,” saidformer Maj Dennis Gribbins, a known conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed “former CAP intelligence operative” (the role does not exist). “AuxBeacon was the only place brave enough to report that the National Commander was a synthetic lifeform grown in a Lockheed Martin biolab. The truth is out there, and it used to be in Times New Roman, size 14, with blurry clipart.”

When asked where he would now turn for news, Gribbins replied, “Probably Telegram, or the back of cereal boxes. There are codes, man.”

Final Thoughts

AuxBeacon’s shutdown marks the end of an era—specifically, the era where every CAP promotion was followed by an anonymous article accusing someone of faking their Form 5 and joining a secret freemason aviation sex cult. As we bid farewell to this digital dumpster fire, let us remember: Mix one part unresolved bitterness, two tablespoons of internet access, and a GoDaddy subscription, and you’ve got a recipe for all-you-can-eat slander soup.

Rest in pixels, AuxBeacon. May your comments section finally know peace.