VolU Dreams Big
Launches Athletics to Boost Branding, Seeks Entry into Big 12,
by ANN Staff
MAXWELL AFB (Virtually) — In a surprise announcement this week, Volunteer University (VolU), Civil Air Patrol’s flagship online training institution, declared its intention to join the Big 12 Conference and field full-fledged football and basketball teams as part of an aggressive rebranding campaign.
“This is about visibility, legitimacy, and finally getting mentioned on ESPN ticker crawls,” said Brig. Gen. Buck Carmichael (ret.), newly appointed Chancellor of VolU. “We’re not just about squadron admin courses anymore. It’s time to put VolU on the map—and the scoreboard.”
New Name, New Game
To bolster its Big 12 application, VolU has launched a capital campaign and unveiled designs for a 35,000-seat athletic facility, officially named the Vanguard Industries Exclusive Stadium (V.I.E.S.).
“Do you know how much rich benefactors give to college sports? It’s stupid,” said VolU Athletics Director Maj. Justin Clevenger. “We’re already planning the campaign. Boeing and Cessna are fighting over the naming rights, and if we play our cards right, we might get a couple extra planes thrown in—ones that even start reliably.”
The push into athletics includes both men’s and women’s teams, with sports ranging from football and basketball to precision drill, PowerPoint dueling, and flightline marshaling.
“We were thinking of going with ‘Volunteers’ as our mascot,” said Clevenger, “but some school in the South already got that one. So we’re going with ‘Patrols’—or ‘Trolls,’ for short.”
VolU branding materials now feature a gray-and-safety-orange troll mascot wearing aviator sunglasses and clutching a clipboard. His name: “Toobee”.
Game Day Traditions in the Works
The institution is already planning elaborate flybys for home games—though logistics remain “fluid.”
“We’re talking flybys for every home game,” said Carmichael. “And if we can’t get enough Senior Members to squeeze into the aircraft for a flyover, we’ve got Cadets with sUAS standing by. Drones are cheaper, and they don’t demand per diem.”
Tailgating guidelines have been updated to allow tactical grills, encampment-themed bean dips, and formation marching for parking lot entry.
Classroom to Stadium: The VolU Evolution
Founded originally as a means of delivering CAP professional development via online learning, VolU has seen a dramatic expansion in scope, ambition, and graphic design.
“This is bigger than Level II,” said Clevenger. “This is a legacy. Cadets are going to grow up dreaming of playing Trollball under Friday night lights. We’re building something that will last longer than a staff duty analysis.”
VolU’s entrance into the Big 12 would make it the first entirely virtual university with a Division I athletics program—a bold move critics have described as “deeply confusing.”
But supporters are undeterred.
“We’ve got the structure, the passion, and a whole lot of people with 1980s pilot wings and nothing left to prove,” said Carmichael. “This is the next step. VolU 2.0. Now with marching bands.”
Applications for season tickets, team mascot tryouts, and drone flyover certification are now open. GO TROLLS.
